


[Love]sick - Stucky Oneshot

by Bottom_PeteParker



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: 1940s Captain America, Bucky Barnes Has PTSD, Bucky Barnes Recovering, Captain America: The First Avenger, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Caretaking, Chronic Illness, Flashbacks, Friendship/Love, Hurt Steve Rogers, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Memories, No Smut, No Spoilers, Oneshot, Post-Serum Steve Rogers, Pre-Serum Steve Rogers, Sick Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Has PTSD, Stucky - Freeform, THIS DOESNT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH INFINITY WAR, Unresolved Emotional Tension, War stucky, Winter Soldier Bucky Barnes, could be viewed as platonic, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-10
Updated: 2018-05-10
Packaged: 2019-05-04 21:37:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14602242
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bottom_PeteParker/pseuds/Bottom_PeteParker
Summary: 《THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH INFINITY WAR AND IS COMPLETELY SPOILER FREE》Steve remembers the times before the war when he didn't feel so alone.**unedited**





	[Love]sick - Stucky Oneshot

**Author's Note:**

> ((takes place after civil war but the credit scene didnt happen.))

_Hydra made a good man into a monstrous puppet, a shell with a cold demon inside. Therapy and desensitization took a lot of the edge off over the years but some things are so burned into the human mind, so forced into place that subconsciously they still hold on and can never be erased._

 

_If a person dropped something Bucky's arms would up to shoot them, in perfect form, despite there being no gun. If someone walked up behind him without announcing themself then they would most likely be flat on their back in seconds. Train whistles sometimes make him shake. As much as Steve wished he could fix him, wish they could be the way they were before, he knows he can't. Bucky lost parts of himself, physically and mentally, to that organization._

 

_He really didn't really talk that much, especially with the other Avengers there. In the past, the forties, Bucky would have been lounging around and laying on the charm. His flirting could put Stark’s to shame and Deadpool would have a run for his money on a bet for who could babble the longest. Now he just sits quietly, his hair still long and hanging in his face like a curtain that was pulled half closed. He takes up as little space as possible, hunched into a corner, meanwhile the old Bucky would've been the biggest personality in the room. Steve pretended like it didn't hurt because it was selfish. Things happened and things aren't the same. He needs to accept it, or at least pretend to, so his pal could get better faster. Every little difference made Steve feel so strange because he remembered Bucky like that, like his old self, as if it was only weeks ago that they were teenagers getting into fights in Brooklyn._

 

_Steve also began to realize other things about Bucky post-Winter Soldier, things that hurt so much worse than anything he has ever felt in his life._

 

_The similarities. The old habits. Ancient rituals that happened nearly a century ago took place every single day without Bucky knowing how much it hurt._

 

_Growing up, Bucky Barnes gave everything up to take care of Steve. His family was poor and he was sick, his family was his mother and Bucky. His friend was there by his side when his mother died, took up many dangerous jobs in the Depression so they could afford his medicine, he even died trying to be with Steve. James Buchanan Barnes knew Steven Grant Rogers better than the Lord did._

 

_Steve first noticed these habits when he was looking at pictures. Anywhere he was, Bucky was somewhere in the back, not far away, always standing on the same side. When they would sit on the couch and Bucky would curl away, he sat on the same side. He also tended to lean in when talking to Steve, when he became aware of the action he'd lean back with a confused crease in his brow, only to do it the very next time he was speaking directly to Steve. As a kid, he had partial hearing loss as one of his many points of suffering and illness. One ear was better than the other and Bucky would hang off his shoulder to laugh into his good ear, so Steve would never miss a thing he said. Despite the level of deafness equating to wearing a modern earbud with no music on in one ear, it was something that his doctors always expected to get worse. Bucky talks, walks, and sits almost exclusively on the side of his good ear._

 

_Now that both ears are a little more than perfect Steve could hear the couch creak when Bucky tilted in. Sometimes, Steve leaned in too._

 

_Another thing he noticed was how Bucky would stand up any time Steve coughed, wheezed, or choked. Even if it was the worst fake cough ever and Bucky heard him say ‘I'm going to fake cough.’ then he'd still automatically stand. He jumps up and Steve can almost see it in those moments, the panic in his eyes and the dirty hands digging in even dirtier pants for an asthma cigarette. But then his mind always focuses Bucky glancing around the room with a curious expression on his face before sitting down again. Going along with his past asthma, sometimes when they went on runs Bucky would stop him to listen to his chest. Going in close to press his ear against Steve's cheek to make sure he wasn't wheezing. Bucky would then jerk away and retreat to whatever shadow he was attempting to hide in._

 

_Steve tried his best to go for runs when Bucky wasn't around. Being that close to eyes that are the ones you've known all your life but they belong to a stranger? It felt like knives dragging across his skin when Bucky's stubble would brush against his cheek._

 

_In the same boat of being far too close, he often grabbed Steve by the shoulders and pulled them back. He'd run his hand down Steve's spine and get halfway down his back before he'd pull away. Bucky stole Steves back brace from the dumpster of the specialist when Mrs. Rogers said she couldn't afford to buy one. It was old and destroyed but it worked. Steve often tried to skip it and just not wear it so Bucky would check his back before they left the house and before they went to bed. If it was too late for them to turn back and get it if the scheme was successful, Bucky would correct his posture with his hands. Bucky would just come up behind him and run his right hand down Steve's back, like petting a cat._

 

_His brace was displayed in his museum._

 

_Bucky usually talked in brief statements. He didn't converse a lot but a good portion of his vocal activity was listing colors. Being colorblind and an artist, Steve knew what things were supposed to be but they just didn't translate in his head. Bucky would tell him which color to use. He has deuteranomaly and protanomaly, the red-green color blind. He couldn't tell reds from greens or reds and greens from brown. Obviously, he memorized a lot of the coordinating objects to the colors but Bucky used to love pointing at bright objects and screaming out the colors. One day Steve was trying to pick between the fresh Granny Smith apples and the pre-sliced Red Delicious apples and Bucky's breath was hot on his neck as he reached his arm around Steve's torso to point to each. “Red. Green.”_

 

_They scanned each other’s faces for what felt like forever when Steve turned around. He kept doing it but rarely did they ever get so close. Steve didn't eat either apple. He wondered if Bucky also remembered trying to convince him to agree on getting glasses after he was diagnosed with astigmatism._

 

_Rheumatic fever, bone pain, pernicious anemia, and high blood pressure were all factors in his fatigue. He was so weak and sickly, there were days where he could barely lift his arms. With food rationed during the war, being hard to come by because of the Great Depression, and generally being too expensive for their budget, the boys bought in bulk. The food also had to last long. Dried oats, canned vegetables, and a whole lot of canned soup were usually all they had. Being stubborn as hell but lacking any muscle strength Steve usually would fight with pickle jars for long periods of times to try and open them himself. He would go all day if Bucky didn't always take it from him._

 

_Bucky often swooped into the kitchen and snatched jars of peanut butter or canned vegetables from Steve, only to shove the can at him and scurry away. Steve had extremely above average strength now but he still got treated like some beanpole from Brooklyn._

 

_With the asthma and fatigue sometimes Steve would faint. He had so many memories of being carried home after blinking his eyes open. Steve started to work on his sleep hygiene once he began to nod off in the lounge area's couch more frequently. Bucky would scoop him up and only make it a few steps towards Steves room before becoming aware of his actions. Steve got dropped several times, the last straw was when he fractured his tailbone and was on bedrest for five weeks. Thank god for accelerated healing._

 

_Aspirin helped with some of the painful aftermath of rheumatic fever and helped his doctors worry less about him having a heart attack by the time he was in his mid-twenties. The only problem was that it irritated his stomach ulcers. Bucky dealt with Steve's nausea and vomiting all the time, yet he still tried to get skinny little Steve Rogers to eat. He looked like a creature out of a horror movie, maybe some kind of zombie. When he was in his intense therapy in Wakanda, T’Challa limited Bucky's contact with the outside world for obvious reasons but he frequently told Steve about the strange amounts of aspirin and plastic bags that somehow always ended up in Buckys pockets. They had no idea or records of how he could get those things but he was always caught with them. Tony didn't even try and figure it out once Bucky moved into the Tower._

 

_“Eat your fucking dinner.” and other variations of that phrase were also common with Bucky. Steve began to realize that he actually miss the days of being force-fed to fatten up or taking loose pocket aspirins and throwing up in plastic bags in the middle of the street. How could he be that mentally screwed up that he'd miss something like chronic illnesses?_

 

_He sometimes wishes things were like that again. He wouldn't mind the suffering or the winters where Bucky spent all their money on prescription refills and they couldn't pay for their apartment to have heat. Steve still felt small and sick in his new body, even though the serum fixed it all. He'd grown up physically weak and waiting for his doctors to tell him what was wrong with him next. He didn't feel like Captain America the Avenger, he felt like Steve. He wished Bucky didn't feel like the Winter Soldier, wished he felt like James Barnes who was told that he could practically become a doctor with all the things he learned from taking care of Steve. He learned how to inject insulin from Steve's mom when she found out she was diabetic, just in case Steve was diagnosed with the same thing later on._

 

_Bucky took care of him for so long. He gave every penny and every ounce of energy to Steve's health. His Bucky used to work three or more jobs at a time so they could buy medication to treat Steves constant sinus infections and colds. His Bucky sat with him every time he got pneumonia, his Bucky held him while he cried after his mother died of tuberculosis and then took up a donation to pay for the funeral service. Instead of mourning the past he needed to move on for Bucky's recovery. He had to. His Bucky died in the snow off of the ledge of some train tracks._

 

_Steve was told not to try and encourage old memories. It might trigger fits of rage, flashbacks from Hydra or the war, it also just might make Steve feel horrible when Bucky would stare at him blankly instead of responding. Bucky's therapists had them do therapy together one out of the three times a week that he went. Apparently, his old friend didn't know why he did those strange things and it killed Steve to not be able to use all their history to show Bucky that he isn't the weapon they made him. The other Avengers, as well as their various non-Avenger associates, did not make jokes about the things Bucky did. Sometimes, depending on who asked and what they asked about, Steve would give the short answer. He didn't skip down memory lane or pull out every single detail but he still managed to get stuck in his own head. His depression and anxiety were at the worst they've been for many years and he felt so alone._

 

_Panic attacks and late night sobbing was normal for him now. He held so much of it in, he didn't want to upset anyone, but he could never stop thoughts from a long time ago when the person who hung the stars for him would whisper calming words in his good ear._

 

_They shared a bed back in the day, slept together every night. Steve was always freezing and their scratchy blankets barely helped but Bucky always tucked Steve against his warm chest and they slept peacefully. Sometimes when Bucky wakes up from nightmares he wanders into Steve's room and it feels like a dream until the cold metal touches his warm skin, the serum changing everything about him including his excuse to cuddle. If they woke up in each other's arms Bucky would never say anything about it. He has even refused to move into Steves room despite ending up there nearly every night._

 

_Steve wondered what Bucky thought of him now, what he thought if him before his fall from the train. They didn't talk about it too much, the United States Army wasn't the right place to talk like that in the forties._

 

_Steve wasn't covered in paper thin translucent skin that was draped over sharp angles or ribs, he was a Greek statue with copper undertones. He couldn't even fit in a twin bed alone, not to mention with another grown man. Steve was strong, he could hear fine and he could tell which apples are Granny Smiths. Did Bucky look back and wish for His Steve?_

 

_He felt greedy for needing so much from a man like him. The past can not be changed but the future seemed so grim. He didn't need constant care anymore but he did need whatever was left of his friend. Everything in the world changed since that mission, everything he knew was gone. He was even too late to spend long days with Peggy, several short visits and a funeral closed off everything he went through. When he found Bucky again he was selfish enough to think he could take comfort in something he knew._

 

_Scarlet fever made his heart conditions worse. His irregular heartbeat, his heart palpitations, his heart murmur, and even his chest pain did not compare to the way his heart ached when Bucky leaned in to talk to him. Or when he would accidentally splash pickle juice all over brand new shirts. Or when Bucky would place his hand on Steve's heart every now and then to make sure it was beating as normal as it possibly could._

 

_Bucky was once hands-on, always touching someone because of how affectionate, energetic, and passionate he was. Shaking hands whenever he met someone new, always patting people on the back, and hugging everyone goodbye at the end of the night. Now he couldn't stand touch almost all of the time. Steve missed those innocent gestures and wished he hadn't taken so many for granted._

 

* * *

 

Steve's eyes began to water and his mind started coming back into focus during the team meeting. Bucky watched him silently.

 

“Steve, are you good?” Sam asked, interrupting his own thoughts on the heated argument when he noticed his friend hadn't chimed in.

 

The serum may have given him a healthy body but it didn't seem to give him a healthy mind.

 

He was always a sensitive kid.

 

Steve slams his hands against the table and abruptly stands up, running out of the room. Tears flow freely as he makes his way back to his bedroom where he can grieve in peace.

 

A few minutes after Steve gets situated in bed his door flies open. “Please just leave me alone, whoever it is I'm sorry but I can't deal with anything right now.” His voice sounds exactly how he felt, weak.

 

Soft footsteps approach him and Steve squeezes his eyes shut. The bed dips when the person climbs into his bed behind him. A cold hand comes to rest on his hip and more tears roll down Steve's cheeks. Eventually, it moves up to his head, raking through the unwashed blonde hair. Steve is pretty sure Bucky can't feel the strands with his metal hand but he savors the moment. With his eyes shut he can almost pretend that things are how they were.

 

Steve rolls over, opening his eyes and staring into Bucky’s. The foreign arm brushes some hair out of his face and Steve has to remind himself that it wasn't his fault.

 

Bucky's eyes are rimmed with red and he sniffles, seconds away from crying as well.

 

“I'm trying so hard to-” He clears his throat. “I need to remember us. I have to. It's killing me and I need you."

 

 

 

Steve nods. “I need you too, all I ever needed was you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I hope you enjoyed this!
> 
> I love to acknowledge the relationship of Bucky and Steve before Cap got all beefy. I personally struggle with chronic illnesses and I feel very lost at times. I dont have a lot of support and my family has never really had money to do all I needed so the idea of Bucky being there for sick!Steve is not only canon but it is also adorable to me and just makes my heart happy.
> 
> Since the MCU is trash and inconsistent here are some links saying some of Steve's medical problems. I wrote this and then looked for sources so now my ego is inflated because I remembered a lot of them.
> 
> https://historicallyaccuratesteve.tumblr.com/post/90483251181/chronically-ill-steve-rogers
> 
> https://cap-chronism.dreamwidth.org/6115.html


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